Mallory's Most Unwanted
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory tries to think up more ways to increase her agency's standing with the CIA. What she discovers is that her new ideas might make things even worse.


**Once again Milton has taken off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some musings from my deranged mind. **

**Mallory's Most Unwanted **

"All right you three wise asses," Mallory addressed Lana, Cyril and Ray in her office. "I called you in here because you seem to be the ones holding the most brain cells in this group. Not that one or two is that many but still…I need you to help me come up with ideas to improve our agency."

"The fact that Archer isn't in this meeting is a **great start** for improvements," Cyril spoke up.

"I needed a break from his jack-assery. And from the rest of the mindless drones," Mallory waved. "Speaking of which where are they?"

"They're in Krieger's lab having electric turtle races," Ray spoke up.

"Do I even want to know what **that's** about?" Mallory groaned as she poured herself a drink.

"No, you do not," Ray admitted.

"Fine. As long as they're occupied and out of my hair for the afternoon…" Mallory grumbled. "Obviously this new partnership with the CIA hasn't exactly gone as well as I thought it would."

"What a shock," Lana rolled her eyes.

"Shut up! I just need to think about how we can impress the CIA and get more missions," Mallory frowned. "I've got it! Bounty hunting!"

"What?" Ray raised an eyebrow.

"We go after people on the CIA's most wanted list and bring them in!" Mallory said triumphantly. "Not only getting more money for the agency but cementing our reputation!"

"I guess it is better than nothing," Lana admitted.

"It does sound pretty simple," Ray admitted.

"It's perfect!" Mallory crowed. "Cyril check the list and see who our targets are!"

"All right," Cyril went to the computer and started to look up the list.

"Are you sure this is the best thing for our agency?" Lana asked. "Having Archer and I track down dangerous criminals hasn't exactly worked that well in the past."

"And me!" Ray gave her a look.

"Oh right," Lana realized. "Still having the three of us…"

"It's not like you haven't done it before," Mallory told her. "You three recently took out that assassin in the Alps. He is dead right?"

"Well…" Ray looked at Lana. "Archer did shoot him."

"And there was an avalanche so…"Lana said cautiously. "It's pretty possible he's dead."

"Even though they never found the body," Ray grumbled.

"But there's still a lot of snow up there so…" Lana covered quickly.

"Here we go! Here's a high ranking one! Maria Moreno, infamous coyote and also a well-known criminal for the Mexican Cartels," Cyril read from Mallory's computer.

"Ah ha! She's perfect! She's…" Mallory began.

"The woman you sold us out to for cash?" Lana reminded her.

"Damn it. You're right," Mallory frowned. "We can't bring her in."

"Unless you really want her to spill the beans on how you sabotaged that mission," Ray pointed out.

"Okay obviously she's out!" Mallory snapped. "How about this one? Rona Thorne? Hold on…"

"Yeah let's reopen **that **can of worms," Lana groaned. "And explain how we let a KGB sleeper agent into our agency and assassinate a Russian diplomat."

"Not to mention that other thing," Cyril groaned.

"What other thing?" Ray asked.

"Come on! We had no idea she had just assassinated that Russian diplomat!" Mallory shouted.

"What did you do?" Lana groaned.

"Uh…." Cyril and Mallory looked at each other.

Let's go back to that day shall we?

Rona Thorne had returned to the office and ran into both Cyril and Mallory who were coming out of her office looking rather disheveled. "Hi! Hey…Uh…You…" She blinked.

"Oh yes! Rona dear!" Mallory coughed. "Uh Cyril and I were just discussing the script and a few…plot changes."

"That's all we were doing!" Cyril said quickly. "Just script stuff. Nothing else!"

"Okay…Listen I kind of need a teeny tiny little favor," Rona said. "Ms. Archer…"

"Oh call me Mallory dear," Mallory smiled.

"Mallory. I would love, love to pick your brain and learn about your experiences as a spy," Rona said. "I think it would really help my character. Particularly any experience my character would need say…if she was on the run and trying to evade the authorities."

"Oh of course dear," Mallory preened. "I'd be happy to tell you anything that would help your acting."

"Good. I also need a ride to the airport," Rona added. "Maybe we can talk on the way?"

"Of course. Cyril you can drive," Mallory ordered. "I'll tell you everything you need to know."

"That would be ama-aaazing!" Rona twittered.

"Where's Archer and Lana?" Cyril asked.

"Oh uh they had to do some spy stuff and hang around somewhere," Rona said quickly. "Mallory can you teach me where and how to get fake passports?"

"One better. I can give you one of mine," Mallory waved. "All you have to do is change the photograph which is surprisingly easy with the right tools. And surprisingly it is also covered in the new script."

"Script?" Rona asked.

"I made a few little changes to the script and wrote a new screenplay," Mallory said. "I hope you wouldn't mind taking a look at it. After all dear I am helping you out."

"Oh of course I'd love to read your script," Rona said brightly. "Why not? It's gonna be a long flight anyway. And you are helping me. Which is ama-aaaazing!"

"I know!" Mallory said brightly. "First we'll stop at Krieger's lab and he can show you how to get a fake passport. Then Cyril will drive us to the airport…As soon as he zips his fly!"

"Oh right!" Cyril blushed and did so.

Back to the present…

"Again we had no idea she just assassinated somebody!" Cyril protested.

"She almost assassinated us!" Lana groaned. "I was in bed for three days with that stupid poison inside of me! It was like the world's worst body hangover!"

"At least you weren't in jail for a night with Pam and Cheryl," Ray groaned. "Cheryl bit a guard and Pam made a pass at a cop! Lucky for us that police officer was interested in her."

"Fortunately for all of you I was able to come up with a quick cover story saying we were investigating Rona Thorne," Mallory grumbled. "You have yet to thank me for saving your collective asses!"

"And yours too," Ray pointed out. "We all remember that little visit from the FBI and Homeland Security. And the CIA. Ironically…"

"I swear to God if I ever see that annoying little bitch again I'm gonna stuff her _amazing _down her throat!" Lana growled. "Along with any other body parts I can fit in."

"Okay so she's obviously out!" Mallory snapped. "Well how about this one? Jake 'Blackie' Barstow! A mobster on the run for…Oh wait…No. We can't go after him."

"Why not?" Lana asked.

"We uh kind of used to date," Mallory coughed. "To make a long story short…"

"Too late," Ray quipped.

"It probably would not be a good idea if we brought him in," Mallory sighed. "Especially since I may have inadvertently helped him escape from the police in the first place."

"Like you helped Rona Thorne?" Lana asked.

"Pretty much," Mallory admitted.

"I'm starting to see the major flaw in this plan," Ray groaned.

"Well what about Rodney Whosits? He's an arms dealer now and he's on the list!" Cyril pointed out.

"Yeah. He sold weapons that he stole from **our armory**!" Lana barked.

"Oh right. That might make things a little awkward," Cyril winced.

"Yah think?" Lana barked.

"Not to mention some of the sensitive information about our agency he might spill," Mallory groaned.

"Sensitive information? What sensitive information?" Cyril began. Then he remembered.

Let's go back again shall we?

"What's going on here? Who's in the…?" Rodney walked in. "WHAT THE HELL?"

"Hello!" Cyril feebly waved as he was caught with his pants down and Mallory Archer's legs were wrapped around his waist.

"Oh Rodney. This isn't what it looks like," Mallory said as she got off Cyril. "I'm only using Cyril to get back at my husband. We have an open marriage."

"So I've heard," Rodney gave them a look.

"You do?" Cyril blinked. "This is the first I'm hearing about..."

"I'm sure we can keep this tiny little breach of security a secret right dear?" Mallory purred at Rodney. "I can pay you some extra money or…Some other form of payment?"

"Uhhh…I think I'll just take the cash if you don't mind Ms. Archer," Rodney gulped. "In fact I insist."

And now back again to the present.

"Oh right," Cyril winced at the memory.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Don't ask…" Cyril groaned.

"So he's out. How about this guy? Raoul Del La Terre," Lana read from the list.

"Uhhh….Not a good idea," Ray coughed. "We kind of used to date!"

"WHAT?" Lana and Cyril shouted. Mallory made a disapproving noise.

"You introduced us!" Ray pointed to Mallory.

"WHAT?" Lana and Cyril shouted.

"Oh right. I forgot," Mallory winced. "It was a honeypot mission that kind of backfired."

"That was not my fault!" Ray snapped. "You're the one who came on to his brother!"

"How was I supposed to know he was one of the few Catholic priests that actually took their vows seriously?" Mallory snapped. "Besides I'm not the one who shot at him!"

"He was cheating on me! He's lucky I only winged him!" Ray snapped.

"I told you not to fall for him!" Mallory snapped.

"I couldn't help it!" Ray protested. "He was nice and looked like Lorne Green. At least I thought he was nice…"

"Let's move on shall we?" Cyril groaned. "**Please?" **

"How about this one?" Lana pointed to another name. "This is a computer hacker codenamed Cindy-Ella Bucks. She looks familiar."

"That's because she used to work here," Mallory groaned.

"Oh right. She's that secretary you fired for sleeping with Archer," Ray remembered. "And she cleaned out your accounts!"

"And took some copies of shall we say…Personal mementos…" Mallory went on.

"Sex tapes," Ray spoke up.

"Shut up!" Mallory glared at him.

"So I'm guessing she's out?" Cyril asked.

"I'm afraid so. However if we ever do cross paths with her I would not mind putting a bullet in her brain!" Mallory growled. She looked at the list. "And we'd better not go after Lucky Lucifer Lafontaine, a notorious member of the Mafia."

"Did you used to date him too?" Lana asked with a sigh.

"Yes and he sort of gave me some startup money," Mallory admitted. "Which I used back in the day to found this agency."

"Are you telling me you founded this agency with money _borrowed _from the mob?" Lana yelled.

"No, Miss Righteous Indignation I did not found this agency with money **borrowed **from the mob!" Mallory shouted. "How stupid do you think I am? I founded this money with some money and jewels given to me by a few mobsters that I dated! There's a **difference!**"

"There is?" Lana was stunned.

"Well yes. For one thing there were no interest rates," Mallory waved.

"She does have a point there," Cyril said. "Those can be a real killer."

"Instead we got money from killers," Lana groaned. "Who would probably want to collect on their investment."

"Only the ones that are still alive," Mallory waved. "And there aren't that many of them left. Let's just say I was pretty good at covering my tracks and making any hits look like they were done by rival mobsters. Okay maybe I started one or two turf wars but still…"

"So let's just discount all those on the list that are in the mafia and focus on someone we can go after that **won't** turn us into the authorities?" Cyril suggested with a groan.

"That's going to be a short list," Ray grumbled.

"What about this Dutch assassin right here?" Lana pointed to the list as the others looked at it.

"Forget her. I once sent Sterling after her and he came back with the clap," Mallory waved.

"And knowing Archer he probably told her some secrets about our agency too," Lana groaned.

"Sterling would not…" Mallory began. "Who am I kidding? That's probably how I got on the Tulip of the Month Club."

"Tulip of the Month Club?" Ray blinked.

"I'm not joking," Mallory said. "Shortly after that mission I started getting so many bulbs I could have opened a garden center. I asked Sterling about it, but he denied it in such a shifty way…"

"Who else is on this list?" Ray sighed.

"Well there's this Italian female assassin," Cyril began.

"Pass," Mallory groaned. "Sterling. Again."

"A female double agent from Russia…" Lana checked the list.

"Again Sterling," Mallory groaned.

"This guy looks easy," Cyril pointed. "Henri Defontane. He looks almost eighty."

"Eighty seven and he's very spry for his age," Mallory said. "Or at least he was when I dated him a few years back. And got some nice jewels from him."

"Anyone here that neither you nor your son dated?" Ray asked sarcastically.

"Mr. Moto is on the list," Lana added.

"The head of the Yakuza who we traded cocaine to after that incident with the shootout and Pam stealing from them?" Ray gave her a look.

"Forget it. Ron won't shut up about that episode as it is," Mallory waved. "The last thing I need is to bring **that** up again!"

"What about this guy?" Cyril pointed. "He's a bank robber, an assassin, a drug runner…"

"He also used to work here," Ray added.

"Oh right. Is that Frank?" Cyril looked at the picture.

"Looks like it," Ray sighed. "Seems to have done pretty well for himself since we shut down the office last year. Well aside from the whole wanted by the law thing…"

"I'm starting to remember why we don't usually do bounty hunting," Mallory groaned.

"Well there has to be **somebody** on this list that won't implicate us or get us arrested if we turn them in!" Lana protested.

"You'd think so but…" Ray looked at the list. "There's quite a few familiar faces on there."

"Too many familiar faces," Lana groaned. "Wait…Is that Sheila from accounting on there?"

"I believe it is," Cyril realized. "She stole money and guns from us too."

"What's she on the list for?" Ray asked.

"It says she's an assassin now," Lana read.

"I guess that nursing school thing didn't pan out," Ray remarked.

"Fine! Forget the bounty hunting!" Mallory waved them away from the computer. "It was a longshot anyway. And what the CIA doesn't know won't hurt us."

"So I guess it's back to the bomb threats?" Ray asked.

"A little new invention called Caller ID puts the kibosh on that plan!" Mallory grumbled. "Trust me on this one."

"Well there has to be something else we can offer the CIA without putting our lives on the line!" Cyril spoke up.

"Don't bother with the sexual favors angle," Mallory grumbled. "Believe me I asked!"

"I wasn't going for **that **but thanks for giving me more nightmares…" Cyril groaned. "Wait what about Krieger's research? I mean he comes up with stuff all the time! Granted a lot of it is creepy but still…"

"I see what you're saying Cyril," Mallory realized. "Applied research! We could be an applied research facility!"

"Exactly! I mean Krieger does stuff all the time with drugs and holograms and cybernetics…" Cyril spoke up.

"And he can't do any worse than making Gillette!" Mallory added.

"You know…?" Ray gave her a look.

"Why didn't I think about this **before?**" Mallory slapped her head. "It's so simple! It's so…"

CRASH! CRASH! SMASH!

"Oh dear God what fresh hell is going on **now?**" Mallory groaned as the sounds of something crashing were heard.

They looked outside the office and saw some things zooming around crashing into everything. "What the hell…?" Lana blinked.

"Looks like some of Krieger's electric turtles got loose," Ray remarked as one of the creatures somehow got fast enough to climb up and crash through a window.

"Oh. Right," Mallory groaned. "**Now** I remember why I haven't thought about it before."

"Pretty obvious why that route is closed to us now that I think about it," Ray winced as the turtles did more damage in the office. "Maybe we can hire ourselves out as a demolition team?"

"I also made that suggestion to the CIA," Mallory sighed. "They said we were too good at that job."

Milton zoomed by spewing toast everywhere. "And the sad part is I see their point," Mallory groaned.


End file.
